But its not. There was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. and I think he knows that. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? I hope you can see this. I did this to protect me. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. Second was he was proving he was changing. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. But lied about it and snuck around. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. He wont get counseling. Forgiveness takes a long time. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. And he understood. I was completely wrong on that. It is an addiction. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . I told him I had nothing left to give him. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. It blows my MIND. Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! 1. Well that stopped after DDay2. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. He loves our daughter more than ANYTHING and I know that, and he knows he is a good dad but he also chooses to go out a lot and stay out until 3am and then claim he has no freedom. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. But And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. I dont know. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. Fast forward to February 24, 2018 when he told me I love you but Im not in love with you. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I thought we turned the corner. Read my posts on this thread. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. Hi Doug In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. He wont answer questions. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. But he is running out of time very quickly. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. I completely understand what you are going through. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. Calm and rational. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. But the thing to take into consideration is that after D-day we go into a type of fog ourselves. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. How did you control the Panic Attacks? Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! I want to be me. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. I think you are doing the right thing for now. I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. He threw in the towel. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. The damage has been done. Dont hit rock bottom b/c someone in your life has decided THEY are confused and dont know what they want. I dont care what they think I just called you on something without getting upset or angry. Much better. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. He was no longer a bit arrogant. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! It took me 2 years to get to this point. Remember that as a kid? Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. I think of suicide quite often now. He needed to be shown the door. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. This is not my Hs first EA and this one became a PA. No is an answer. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. Normal life as far as they could tell. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. He had you in limbo. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. I went in my own for years. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel. I wish I had not been so trusting. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. And the minute I took a stand with my H and told him to leave, there was an immediate change. Your advice is great and its so right. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. I was stressed and could barely function. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. The typical phrases I hear are Where has the man I married gone to? This is not the man I married What could she possibly be thinking? Its like shes a completely differentperson. Or errands. And you have to go through all that before love can even begin to start being felt again. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. You dont need to explain yourself. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? What a big mess. See where it goes. Do that a few times and see what happens. That is the life you would be having. Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. Divorce. I know that your last response was this past December so you may not even see this, but I am going through a similar situation and could absolutely use some advice. Ive always been a quick fixer so its hard to give her space. Selfish. Perhaps when the party girl realizes she is going to be married to someone who in essence will be financially strapped the rest of his life, she may decide hes not all that! WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. I have NEVER felt this way with him. Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies theyve told themselves. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. So even though I had given him the ability to leave many times he declined. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. Funny how he accused me of that well he did it to me but worse. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. But please do not allow this to go on too long. Like I said in my first post, we decided Sunday he would move out. As I said, I stayed predictable. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. His addiction. Its all so upsetting. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! If this works, it does, but Im going to prepare myself if I am not going to be in this marriage., I also wish I would have just said, You are in this affair. Read up on the 180. But my prior post to you was he wants a M on his terms only. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. He made that choice. Trying to be perfect. But the cheater continues to push us away. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. Plan B. But yet he refused to leave. I hope all is well!!! Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. But you man up and be real. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. Yup Yup and Yup. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. I dont know what to do. I cannot understand. I have been an emotional roller coaster and have been doing everything I can to win back my wife; from begging and pleading, to showering her with love, to contacting her AP to tell him to leave her alone. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. Yes! For two months I acted controlled and transparent. That they are friends. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. Im so sick of being sad! He is in the babys life. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. You barely communicate. And you cannot live like that. But right now you are being manipulated and used. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. Its been very strange. As I said, that is the risk. Do not fixate on her the OW. However, these crises can often be associated with I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. Everyone thinks im great and we are a fantastic couple so I guess thats good. But now you are in limbo. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. And I think he knows it too. as if they were single or not a parent. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. He buys me gifts as usual. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? You Hs r to stop thinking like that. B/c he was planning on leaving me. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. None of this worked for me but it laid a foundation that I was willing to look past the A and move forward. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. And then he met this OW and everything changed. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. Hahahahaha asking someone to call if they are going to be 4 hours late is so off the Wall. How convenient for him. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. Part of me feels so confident sometimes, I feel like he will wake up and see hes insane to leave the marriage, especially when im working so hard to try to make it work even after what he has done. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. Very few know we are having issues. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. When you are strong and solid things will fall into place. A 2 time looser. Its been a few weeks since ive written. Thank you both for your comments of support. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. Is that stupid? You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. I am moving on and focusing on my self. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. Sad to say. While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. Get your self together. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? I think we can always do better. But I also dont want to be walked all over and disrespected. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. You are free to make your own decision. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. Started as EA but became more than that. Half of room and board and fees and semesters abroad and books etc. But of course theres a way. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him. Its hurtful what you are living with. So I demanded the post nup. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. It was a combination of things. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. To protect ourself. They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. I hope any of this advice helps you. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. I can totally relate. Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me.